Confession

Before I being my reflection on chapter 4, there's something I would really like to share because it was such a great experience for me this week. When I stared this whole Steps to Christ read through it was because I was struggling spiritually and I really wanted to connect with God. So this year I've been making a decided effort to really step forward and just be honest with God; letting God know that I don't want to do my devotions and I don't have time for him. I know that sounds harsh but that is what my actions were saying, so I made it real and said it aloud. Then I prayed, I prayed that God would put the desire in my heart to want to spend time with him and not to do it out of obligation. This week, I finally felt that prayer answered! Out of the blue, I was bouncing off the walls when it was time to spend time with Jesus. I literally ran to my room and opened my Bible and just couldn't wait to read those words. I don't know what happened, and I don't know where that excitement came from, but it came and I know it was because God put it in my heart. So the short of it all, God's been working with me and he is faithful!!!

This week in reading about confession there was this one paragraph that I believe just really hit home for me. So I'm just going to restate it again here:
         
     When sin has deadened the moral perceptions, the wrongdoer does not discern the defects of his character nor realize the enormity of the evil he has committed; and unless he yields to the convicting power of the Holy Spirit he remains in partial blindness to his sin. His confessions are not sincere and in earnest. To every acknowledgement of his guilt he adds an apology in excuse of his course, declaring that if it had not been for certain circumstances he would not have done this or that for which he is reproved.


I really feel that my moral perceptions have been deadened. There are so many things that are so easier for me to do now the before really bothered my conscience. I just keep on though and justify it so that I can in some way pacify my conscience. I need to really just yield myself to the Holy Spirit and not run from who I am or things I've done. I do not need to excuse them and make them seem like good things when they aren't. I need to own up and just be honest with myself and with God. But because I can only do this through Christ, I am going to stop making excuses and when I start I'm just going to pray.

Repentance

Last week I mention how I didn't really feel my need of Christ, but as I read this week I felt that God gave me answers. It's like he knows exactly what I needed and the journey that I'm on. As I was reading I came to the point of wanting to say with David, "Search me O God, and know my heart."

I know this is a very familiar verse and I've heard it a million and one times. However, it wasn't until today that I felt it; that it stuck a chord within my heart. I haven't been ready to bear all to Christ. There are parts of me, of my heart that I would say, "No, let's not go there." I was scared of what I might have to let go of, scared of what might be found. I'm still scared, but now I'm ready. I'm ready to begin that process, ready to let go, ready to be broken, ready to be brought to repentance. I don't know where this will lead, but if I want to connect with Christ I have to give him all of me. Just like with my friends, if I'm always hiding a part of me from them I will never gain a closer relationship with them. Why would it be any different with Christ?

So now I say, "Search me dear God, know all of me, of my heart, and lead me on this journey of life." And I know he will.

"The sinner may resist this love, may refuse to be drawn to Christ, but if he does not resist he will be drawn to Jesus."

The Sinner's Need of Christ

Would I be happy in God's presence or would I be tortured? I had never thought of not going to heaven from this perspective before. God doesn't allow people in that wouldn't be happy there because it would be worse for them than facing hell. So in which category do I see myself; overjoyed or miserable? To be honest after really thinking about it, I haven't been able to come up with an answer. I truly have no idea where I stand.

I know a few of you are thinking, "What?!? You're so good, why wouldn't you be happy in heaven?" Okay, so maybe I have that "outward correctness of behavior" but what is in my heart? My "good" I feel like comes from "education, culture, the exercise of [my] will [and] human effort." I do not feel that I have the inner working of Christ. Yes, I need Christ. I long for Christ. But I wonder if I truly feel that I need Him.

Remember in this chapter where it talks about Paul and how he longed for purity and cried out, "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from this body of death?" I, too, long for purity or for Jesus in my heart but I...(please do not take this the wrong way, I'm just trying to be honest)...I do not see myself as wretched. I see myself as a descent person. How can I fully have Christ if I don't see my need? How do I become like Paul and say "O wretched man that I am?" How do I realize my need?

What are your thoughts?

God's Love for Man

Great, a chapter on God's love. I already know that God loves me. I know God loves the world. I KNOW ABOUT GOD"S LOVE! I have only heard about it all of my life. So I should know about it...right?

Intellectually, I know about God's love, but do I truly know? Have I experienced it? Have I felt it? No.

As I ponder the words of this chapter I realize somewhere between my thoughts and what I'm reading there is a missing link. I have failed to make a connection. As I read, "And satisfiest the desire of every living thing," I stop. Then why do I feel like I have to give up all of my desires... What am I missing?

Then I read, "Satan led men to conceive of God as a being whose chief attribute is stern justice, - one who is a severe judge, a harsh, exacting creditor. He pictured the Creator as a being who is watching with jealous eye to discern the errors and mistakes of men, that He may visit judgments upon them." But...Jesus "did not censure human weakness." In my mind I always feel as though I am doing something wrong, that I am not doing what I am supposed to because...I can't feel God.

Why is my view of God more closely aligned to Satan's picture than to what Jesus was and is?

I don't just want to know about God's love. I want to experience it. I want to feel it.

All my life I have know about God but I don't know if I've ever truly experienced God. This is why this year I chose the theme, Connecting to Christ, because this is my own personal struggle and I truly want to connect. Do you? Join me and we can walk this journey together.