What to Do With Doubt

Doubt....sometime I believe people are afraid of this word, especially Christians. I think that sometimes we are scared to question and delve into hard subjects because we do not want to jeopardize our views or our beliefs. We might get swept away and pulled from the truth. Yet, when I read this chapter I get a different understanding.


Yes, there are times when I have my questions. Times when I doubt God, when I wonder if all of this that I believe is really true. This is because I am human. We humans, want to understand everything and know everything, but our very nature keeps us from doing so. Our finite and narrow minds can only see things in so many ways when there are multiple other scenarios that we cannot even fathom. Besides, if we understood and knew everything God knew, would that not cease to make him God?

"Do you think you can explain the mystery of God? 

   Do you think you can diagram God Almighty?

God is far higher than you can imagine, 

   far deeper than you can comprehend,  

(Job 11:7-8, The Message)

This does not mean that we do not try to understand. God wants us to search him out and grow in our knowledge of him but we have to recognize that there will always be opportunity to doubt. We must have faith.

Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD

(Isaiah 1:18, KJV)

But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

(2 Peter 3:18, KJV)

There will come a time when God will reveal to us all of the questions of our hearts but for now sometimes we have to be okay with not understanding. We continue to look and to search but that doesn't mean we have to forsake God just because we cannot explain every tiny little thing that we come across. God gives us plenty of evidence to believe in him and plenty of room not to believe. Have faith and know from experience and from our existence that God is real. And know that it is okay to have questions and to search for answers but may all this rest on faith!

We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

(1 Corinthians 13:12, The Message)

The Privilege of Prayer

After the two week break from the blog it was a little hard for me to get back again. I think more because the chapter I was coming back to and starting with was on prayer. I know that prayer is important but I feel that it is one of those subjects that I hear about so much, that I begin to start tuning out anything on the subject. It is as if I think I am an expert on the subject or something, although I know that I am far from it. However, God never ceases to amaze me. As I read this chapter he brought out so much to me and still spoke to me even with my high minded attitude.

In the first paragraph of the chapter I read about how praying and communing with God is more than "meditating upon His works, His mercies, His blessings;" it is also having something to say about our actual life. I thought it was weird to read this because I feel like the opposite is true of my prayer life. My prayers are usually concerning my life and not so much about the blessings, mercies and works of God. So I realize that as in everything else there should be balance. I need to think about God and all that he has done and also share about my own life. It would be like talking to a friend, I open up about my life but I also recognize and share theirs.

Then sometimes I feel guilty about unloading on God. It is exactly the same guilt I feel when I finally open up to my friends. I believe that my problems are my own and that I should not burden anyone else with them and so when I do I feel guilty about it and think that I am bringing that person down and burdening them with my problems. And I do the same with God. I am reluctant to bring my problems to him sometimes, thinking that I come to him too much. But, in this chapter I learned that I could never burden God and I could never make him tired of my worries. He wants me to constantly seek and turn to him. He wants me to know that every hour of every day he hears me. I can talk to him anytime, anywhere, anyplace.

It is so humbling to know how much God loves me and wants to be a part of my life and how little I reflect the same desire. But the more and more I learn of him the more and more I desire him! Especially when I read something so powerful as this:

The relations between God and each soul are as distinct

and full as though there were not another soul upon the earth

to share His watchcare, not another soul for whom He

gave His beloved Son. -p. 100

A Knowledge of God

As I was reading this week, there were two words that stood out to me; Time and Listen.

It just seems impossible to have time for everything some days. Between school, work, obligations, friends, family, and God, there just is not enough hours in the day. Something always gets the shaft and I am ashamed to say this but more often than not, it is God. *sigh* Wow, even just writing that out pains me and makes me feel so sad. Sad, that I turn away from the one who gave me so much, who gave His life for mine.

I am hurt so much when a friend doesn't make time for me. Yet, I turn around and do the same to Jesus. I know how it feels, I know how it hurts, but I say he understands. Yeah, he understands. He understands the same thing I understand when time isn't made for me; that you don't mean enough to that person, you are not a top priority.

And then when I do make time for Jesus, it is all about me. I ramble on and on about my life, my worries, my fears. I am easily distracted and he definitely does not have my undivided attention. But today, he tells me; Listen. And I'm listening...I hear his pain....I hear his hurt....

For the first time in a long time....I hear and I know what I want to do. I know that I don't want to cause any more pain. I want time and I want to listen.

The Work and the Life

Today, I have figured out why my spiritual growth has been lacking. God has revealed to me through this chapter in Steps to Christ why I haven't grown and come closer to him. My problem: selfishness. I have been so absorbed in myself and my spiritual journey; focused on how I need to grow and how I feel that I'm not being reached. My focus, all wrong. I have been blessed with the knowledge of a loving Savior and what he can do in my life and yet I've been concerned how to get more from him. My focus should have been how to share what I have, how to reach those around me, then the "more" would have come.

That was not the only part of my life that self-interest has taken over but in everything I do it seems as though it is something to benefit myself. As I sit here, writing this I try and think of the last time that I did something for someone else that I was not required to do. I come up with nothing. rather I come with all the excuses I have made; "I need time for myself," "I need to do my schoolwork and study so I get can a really good grade," "I need to save my money, cause I am saving up to buy myself something." I can't go out and be a blessing on others because I am so focused on me and what I need. I'm not saying that these concerns do not have a place in my life, but they should not be the reason that I don't help others. I shouldn't place myself about someone else's need. When did I become so self-absorbed?

In this chapter I learned that "labors of love" are what bring you closer to Christ and that it is by unselfish effort that I work out my own salvation, but the source of it all is a truly converted heart. So as I give all to Christ, as I surrender, I need to stop looking at how this is going to benefit me. It's not about me, it's about those around me. What does this mean for me? As, I start my day, as I go about my week, I am going to look for opportunities to help, love, and serve those around me. That others become my focus, this is my prayer.

Growing Up Into Christ

As I read this week I can't help but to think, this book is starting to sound like a broken record. I just keep getting the message: give it all to Christ. Know that he loves you. Know that you need him. When you repent give it to him and let him give you a heart of repentance. When you confess, let Christ bring it to your remembrance and let him give you the strength. When you consecrate yourself, consecrate all to Christ; give him everything. Let Christ give you the faith and accept that he will. When you desire Christ know that you are sincere and now, as you grow, the power comes from Christ. I believe God is sending me a message, one that is very loud, clear, and redundant: Give EVERYTHING to me.

I praise God for this message, and for the redundancy of it because it is something that I need to read every week, cause every week I forget and want to start doing something on my own again. It is helpful to know, that through every step of the journey, Christ is there, wanting to take my burdens, my worry, my guilt. Never once is he saying, here this is what you need to do. Rather, he is saying, here this is what I can do for you.

Even as I grow, the growth comes from Christ. He likens it to a plant or a child. Neither of which is full grown overnight. Their is a process and stages of learning. So this is what my Christian life is supposed to be. I am not going to be everything that I am supposed to be over night. It doesn't happen in an instant. I have to go through a growth process, stages of learning and maturing.

A child doesn't do anything to make themselves grow. They grow from their environment. As I grow spiritually I have to be in an environment of Christ, if I want to grow in Christ; surrounding myself in him. What does this mean? Is that all I do is read my Bible and talk of Jesus and not partake of anything else in this life? I do not believe that this is the message that was being given, I believe that their are certain environments that I should stay away from and certain ones I should put myself in to foster my Christian growth dependent upon where I am in my growth. For instance, their are certain things that children are not allowed to do or places they are not allowed to go to. However, as the child grows and matures the parents start letting the children do more. I need to think of myself as a child growing in Christ and know when I am not mature enough to go into an environment that may influence me to choose to serve another master over Christ.

Growth, it seems like such a process, and maybe it is, but it's a process that I do not have to do. I just put my focus and trust in Christ and I know I will grow naturally. Christ will foster my growth. I no longer need to worry about whether I will be saved or not, or focus on my weaknesses and shortcomings. I simply need to commit my life to Christ and trust Him and put away my fears.

As I set out to trust completely in Christ and live and grow in him may this be my prayer each and every morning:

Take me dear God as completely yours. I lay my life and  all of my plans before you. Please use me today in your service. Walk with me and live within me so that all my work be done in you.

The Test of Discipleship

I didn't post last Sunday, due to the break. I figured a lot of us left town and were out and about doing things away from our computers; fully appreciating the brief break from school and the work associated with it. I hope everyone had a good one and that the week back in school wasn't too much of a pain after the time off.

Now, we're back and back to Steps to Christ! I don't know about you all, but it seems to me that this journey on getting closer to Christ is tough. Honestly, I just wanted this checklist of things to do that would BAM just put me in this grand and glorious relationship with Christ. Every week, I am reminded that this is not the case. I cannot ask what I can do because it isn't about what I can do. I can't do anything, and anything that I do is tainted by my sinfulness. So then what do I do? I turn to Christ. That is the only thing that I can do, turn it all over, all of me to Jesus. Truly I think this is the hardest thing I have ever tried to comprehend. My mind does not understand turn it over to someone else and let them do it. This just seems to go against every fiber in my being. But this is what is necessary.

Does this mean I can just do nothing? That I just live my life they way I want and BAM one morning I wake up and just start living life differently. I just automatically know what to do and my life perfectly exemplifies Christ. While this would be great, I'm not quite sure it works just so. I believe once we let Christ in, once we have finally turned ourselves completely over to him, we get a new heart, a new perspective. It is on this fresh canvass that Christ comes in and paints his character. As any masterpiece, it takes time; and slowly but surely we transform into this being that models Christ's character.

Will everything be perfect from then on. No. There will be mistakes and slip-ups. But these things should not discourage us. I was really comforted by a statement in this chapter that said that character is not the occasional good act or bad act but by the habitual tendencies; what we do all the time. It's really all just about who's painting the canvass on our hearts. Are we painting it ourselves, or have we turned our canvass over to the Master Artist? This is how we know if we are a disciple of Christ.

Faith and Acceptance

This week was rough for me. It seems that for awhile, while doing this I was on a spiritual mountaintop. This, week though, I'm pretty sure I hit my spiritual valley. I had less desire, less motivation, and less wanting. I don't why we must go through these highs and lows. If it were a personality swing between highs and lows, I would be sure to be diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. But for some reason, this seems to be a normal experience in the spiritual journey. Is it supposed to be like this? I don't know, I imagine it is or a reason though and I'm going to keep walking 'cause I want to make it to my next mountain top.

I did read the chapter this week, chapter 6 in Steps to Christ. No matter how I might have felt about things during the week, whenever I pick up this book to read, it is always a blessing and always gives me more motivation and determination to not give up and to not walk away. This week I realized that God has given me, you, us, so many promises. Promises that we can have his peace. Promises that he will saves us. Promises of a new heart.

Ho, everyone that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. -Isaiah 55:1

 ...Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. -Isaiah 1:18

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. -Ezekiel 36:26

 ...Believing ye might have life through his name. -John 20:31

...What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. -Mark 11:24

There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus... -Romans 8:1

I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions, and as a cloud, thy sins... -Isaiah 44:22

These are only a few. God offers a gift that we can do nothing to obtain. We do not have to make ourselves right. We do not have to prove that we are worthy. All we do is come and the rest will follow. For we cannot of ourselves have a new heart, that comes from Christ! We cannot remove our sin, Christ does.

The more and more I read, following Christ is less about feeling and more about a decision; taking a step. Last week I discussed the idea of how Christ wants us to reason, to know what we are choosing and why. This week from this chapter I got the idea that it's not about feeling right or good, it's about believing the promise, about willing ourselves to come to Christ, and about knowing he is faithful to fulfill his promise. Christ made a decision for us. When will we make a decision for him?

Consecration

I apologize for the delay in getting this post up. I know I usually have these posted sometime in the morning.

When I read this chapter, chapter 5 in Steps to Christ I got goosebumps. It answered every question that I have ever asked myself in my Christian walk. There were so many concepts in this chapter that spoke to me, to my mind, my heart, and my soul. So this week I just want to pull out a few ideas from the chapter because it expresses in words the thoughts I have, so much better than I ever could. And please feel free to share any thoughts that you may have.

"The warfare against self is the greatest battle that was ever fought." I find this statement frightful and yet comforting at the same time. Frightful because it confirms that the struggle is the hardest one I'll ever face and I have to wonder will I come out ahead. Will I conquer this battle? However, it is also a very comforting statement because it tells me that this struggle, this internal battle is normal. Surrendering and letting go of self is supposed to be a struggle and it's going to be the hardest thing that we will ever have to do. So, if I can do this, if I can conquer self, I can do anything. Isn't that comforting to know?

"The government of God ... appeals to the intellect and the conscience." This is so important for me to understand. God is not looking for blind submission, he wants me to make a conscious decision to follow him. A decision not based on coercion but based on reason and understanding. God wants us to weigh everything out, search out the truth, and follow because we know in our hearts and in our minds that we want to! This is why I'm starting over; trying to follow God not because I have to or because I'm supposed to but because I want to.

"Whatever shall draw away the heart from God must be given up. Mammon is the idol of many. The love of money, the desire for wealth, is the golden chain that binds them to Satan. Reputation and worldly honor are worshiped by another class. The life of selfish ease and freedom from responsibility if the idol of others." Yes many talk about the love of money, and its binding hold on most. But I see myself being bound by reputation and worldly honor. I don't believe that the author is saying there is anything wrong with these things. The problem is when we choose money, reputation, or freedom over God. When I have to make a choice between my reputation, worldly honor, and God which would I choose? Would I choose God? Yes a choice will have to be made but I can also take comfort in the fact that God loves and care for me he would never "require (me) to give up anything that it is for (my) best interest to retain." Everything God does for us is only and always for our good.

This last part is a paragraph that just meant so much to me that I want to share it one here. It gave me so much peace about where I am on my spiritual journey and maybe you will connect with it too.

" Many are inquiring, 'How am I to make the surrender of myself to God?' You desire to give yourself to Him, but you are weak in moral power, in slavery to doubt, and controlled by the habits of your life of sin. Your promises and resolutions are like ropes of sand. You cannot control your thoughts, your impulses, your affections. The knowledge of your broken promises and forfeited pledges weakens your confidence in your own sincerity, and causes you to feel that God cannot accept you; but you need not despair. What you need to understand is the true force of the will. This is the governing power of decision, or of choice. Everything depends on the right action of the will. The power of choice God has given to men; it is theirs to exercise. You cannot change your heart, you cannot of yourself give to God its affections; but you can choose to serve Him. You can give Him your will; He will then work in you to will and to do according to His good pleasure. Thus your whole nature will be brought under the control of the Spirit of Christ; your affections will be centered upon Him, your thoughts will be in harmony with Him."

We just have to make choice. What will it be?

Confession

Before I being my reflection on chapter 4, there's something I would really like to share because it was such a great experience for me this week. When I stared this whole Steps to Christ read through it was because I was struggling spiritually and I really wanted to connect with God. So this year I've been making a decided effort to really step forward and just be honest with God; letting God know that I don't want to do my devotions and I don't have time for him. I know that sounds harsh but that is what my actions were saying, so I made it real and said it aloud. Then I prayed, I prayed that God would put the desire in my heart to want to spend time with him and not to do it out of obligation. This week, I finally felt that prayer answered! Out of the blue, I was bouncing off the walls when it was time to spend time with Jesus. I literally ran to my room and opened my Bible and just couldn't wait to read those words. I don't know what happened, and I don't know where that excitement came from, but it came and I know it was because God put it in my heart. So the short of it all, God's been working with me and he is faithful!!!

This week in reading about confession there was this one paragraph that I believe just really hit home for me. So I'm just going to restate it again here:
         
     When sin has deadened the moral perceptions, the wrongdoer does not discern the defects of his character nor realize the enormity of the evil he has committed; and unless he yields to the convicting power of the Holy Spirit he remains in partial blindness to his sin. His confessions are not sincere and in earnest. To every acknowledgement of his guilt he adds an apology in excuse of his course, declaring that if it had not been for certain circumstances he would not have done this or that for which he is reproved.


I really feel that my moral perceptions have been deadened. There are so many things that are so easier for me to do now the before really bothered my conscience. I just keep on though and justify it so that I can in some way pacify my conscience. I need to really just yield myself to the Holy Spirit and not run from who I am or things I've done. I do not need to excuse them and make them seem like good things when they aren't. I need to own up and just be honest with myself and with God. But because I can only do this through Christ, I am going to stop making excuses and when I start I'm just going to pray.

Repentance

Last week I mention how I didn't really feel my need of Christ, but as I read this week I felt that God gave me answers. It's like he knows exactly what I needed and the journey that I'm on. As I was reading I came to the point of wanting to say with David, "Search me O God, and know my heart."

I know this is a very familiar verse and I've heard it a million and one times. However, it wasn't until today that I felt it; that it stuck a chord within my heart. I haven't been ready to bear all to Christ. There are parts of me, of my heart that I would say, "No, let's not go there." I was scared of what I might have to let go of, scared of what might be found. I'm still scared, but now I'm ready. I'm ready to begin that process, ready to let go, ready to be broken, ready to be brought to repentance. I don't know where this will lead, but if I want to connect with Christ I have to give him all of me. Just like with my friends, if I'm always hiding a part of me from them I will never gain a closer relationship with them. Why would it be any different with Christ?

So now I say, "Search me dear God, know all of me, of my heart, and lead me on this journey of life." And I know he will.

"The sinner may resist this love, may refuse to be drawn to Christ, but if he does not resist he will be drawn to Jesus."

The Sinner's Need of Christ

Would I be happy in God's presence or would I be tortured? I had never thought of not going to heaven from this perspective before. God doesn't allow people in that wouldn't be happy there because it would be worse for them than facing hell. So in which category do I see myself; overjoyed or miserable? To be honest after really thinking about it, I haven't been able to come up with an answer. I truly have no idea where I stand.

I know a few of you are thinking, "What?!? You're so good, why wouldn't you be happy in heaven?" Okay, so maybe I have that "outward correctness of behavior" but what is in my heart? My "good" I feel like comes from "education, culture, the exercise of [my] will [and] human effort." I do not feel that I have the inner working of Christ. Yes, I need Christ. I long for Christ. But I wonder if I truly feel that I need Him.

Remember in this chapter where it talks about Paul and how he longed for purity and cried out, "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from this body of death?" I, too, long for purity or for Jesus in my heart but I...(please do not take this the wrong way, I'm just trying to be honest)...I do not see myself as wretched. I see myself as a descent person. How can I fully have Christ if I don't see my need? How do I become like Paul and say "O wretched man that I am?" How do I realize my need?

What are your thoughts?

God's Love for Man

Great, a chapter on God's love. I already know that God loves me. I know God loves the world. I KNOW ABOUT GOD"S LOVE! I have only heard about it all of my life. So I should know about it...right?

Intellectually, I know about God's love, but do I truly know? Have I experienced it? Have I felt it? No.

As I ponder the words of this chapter I realize somewhere between my thoughts and what I'm reading there is a missing link. I have failed to make a connection. As I read, "And satisfiest the desire of every living thing," I stop. Then why do I feel like I have to give up all of my desires... What am I missing?

Then I read, "Satan led men to conceive of God as a being whose chief attribute is stern justice, - one who is a severe judge, a harsh, exacting creditor. He pictured the Creator as a being who is watching with jealous eye to discern the errors and mistakes of men, that He may visit judgments upon them." But...Jesus "did not censure human weakness." In my mind I always feel as though I am doing something wrong, that I am not doing what I am supposed to because...I can't feel God.

Why is my view of God more closely aligned to Satan's picture than to what Jesus was and is?

I don't just want to know about God's love. I want to experience it. I want to feel it.

All my life I have know about God but I don't know if I've ever truly experienced God. This is why this year I chose the theme, Connecting to Christ, because this is my own personal struggle and I truly want to connect. Do you? Join me and we can walk this journey together.

Getting Started

Everyone always talks about having a relationship with Christ. But what does that mean? What does it look like? How do you have a relationship with someone you can't see? These are questions that I have often struggled with, so this year I really want to focus on connecting to Christ and having a personal experience with Him. I invite you to join me this year as I begin this journey by reading Steps to Christ. I'll be reading one chapter every week and then posting my thoughts the following Sunday. Please feel free to read and post your own comments as well!


If you do not have a copy of Steps to Christ I've posted a link below to it online. I look forward to a year where we experience Christ and grow together!

Free Copy of Steps to Christ